A Partial Exhale

Well, today is the CaRMS Application submissions deadline. I’ve submitted seventeen applications to my field of choice, spanning fourteen schools. Some of my colleagues have applied far more broadly, some far less; some are still wrapping up their applications, taking advantage of the final five or so hours we have to make edits. I’m waiting on two or three more reference letters (the deadline for those is a week later), and therefore can’t fully relax. I’ll be making changes to my applications throughout the week, assigning and reassigning referees based on an arbitrary system, guessing at whose letter will best support me as a candidate. This “agonizing over every last detail” is the hard part.

Life goes on, however. I’m three days into a new placement – Palliative Medicine, which I’m loving (as I’d expected). I scheduled my licensing exam last week; there’s that to study for. I bought a book on interview skills today; there are those to prepare for. My partner is travelling to our hometown on Friday to change his tires, and for once I’ll be staying here. I’ve travelled near incessantly over the past ten weeks, and I find myself never wanting to set foot in an airplane or drive anywhere far ever again, a testament to both my extreme privilege and fatigue. Our wedding date creeps closer; there are those details to finalize. Some of my friends are planning me a bridal shower, and I’ve been all but entirely removed from the process, an unusual (but, at this stage, welcome) departure from my need to micromanage everything.

I’m grateful. For the people that buoy me with their love and support, both of which are seemingly unconditional (I have no interested in deliberately testing those boundaries). For having a home or two to come back to. For the new friendships I’ve made along the way. For having had the opportunity to glimpse life in different places across this vast country.

If you need me, I’ll be sleeping. (Once the work day is done.)

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